waahhhh fricking long nv update le lah.. haha.. sian... 

ok first things first.. to continue from my prev entry.. A level results: AAA A1. how monotonous.. -.- all e same.. haha i wonder why i dun feel much for my set of results.. =/ weird right. i guess they waited too long to give it to us.. all my emotion drained away alr.. but at least i did reach my goal la.. was so noisy on the day of results lo.. screaming here n there.. did so well but my parents still dun allow me to go clubbin.. oh well

im in a weird mood right now.. like v sian sian one.. abnormal..

k lah think i shld update more another day.. when i feel more passionate.. hmm

sigh uni admission.. big headache.. =(

Current Mood: blah

been a long time since i last updated. dno why nowadays i dun really feel lik blogging. hmm. aniwae many things have happened recently and a BIG THING is gonna happen soon! 'A' lvl results are finally coming out! omg.. the 'A' levels seem like.. so long time ago la.. all my worries.. all my constant fears.. the struggles.. the endless self-talk haha.. man.. seems so damn long ago. lik years ago. imagine, now is march alr. so fast right? in a flash, 2 months haf passed by... bleh.. and soon, august will come too.. uni will start.. hmm.. life proceeds very fast. too fast. when u finally realise the present, uve totally lost track of the past. and in the blink of an eye, the present fades into the past. *muses* okok enuf weird shit. =) onto other topics!

today i went skating with huixin in the morning.. im at her place now =) man, there's lik a construction worker right outside e window la. so scary. they're painting the building i think. last night i was doing my nails and i slept past midnight.. den this morning i was supposed to wake up at 7 but i snoozed till 7.30 instead.. man so tiring.. /_\ lol den i reached bukit panjang at abt 8.30 but she kept me waiting till lik.. 9.. hahaha. hmm my skates cld be worn faster today =) i guess they're loosening up alr. but today my left foot hurt a lot =( sigh. i had to rest lik twice.. hmm so aft that we went up to her place.. and i lay on her bro's bed (beside e com) checking out this cool book.. it's called "GREAT BAKES no eggs", a book on vegetarian baking! the recipes are really cool lah.. there's like vegetarian shepherd's pie, lasagne.. wowee.. so mani great meat dishes that are now bein made the vegetarian way! maybe i shld try making em someday =) see if they're as nice as the meat versions. 

haha huixin wanted to gimme e book but its actually a present from one of her current admirers.. den i was lik, u sure enot.. u can bear to part with it enot.. hehe.. she made up some excuse abt whenever she bakes she'll bake with me so i can help her "store" the book.. lols.. poor admirer la.. 

aiyah.. speakin of huixin ah.. she doesnt wanna take my advice! she's leaving her job soon and so is that male fren of hers.. and she's prob gonna join him at his new job... =.= the job doesnt sound so bad but it's him that im worried abt.. she alr kinda likes him and haiix i predict they'll prob get together one day.. and he is SO NOT A GOOD GUY. ARGHHHHH

haiiix 'A' lvls ah 'A' lvls... im lik going outta my mind alr.. i had that nightmare.. and my score in it was lik, ABB A2. and i was alr feelin so disappointed.. what if i get such a score for my real results?! what if i get a C for smth?! like chem?!!! cuz i screwed up the p3! omg.. i think some of the stupidest mistakes i ever made in life were made during 'A' lvls la.. so so so so stupidddddd grrrrrarghh! ohwell no use crying over split milk.. tho sometimes i still feel lik crying over it. hahaha. -.- guess all i can do is accept whatever results i get. =( hope they wont be too bad.. sighsigh

alllllright.. i wrote all the above yesterday at huixin's house! saved e stuff onto a text document and emailed it to myself cuz i din want her reading my draft.. haha.. buttt somehow stupid hotmail wont let me open e attachment =.= so.. shall juz haf to continue from what was originally saved on my LJ. hmm. 

so 2ml's e big day. or shld i say TODAY's e big day. =))) haha. huixin and i went to Indochine 2night to drink and "celebrate"... she had an Appletini and i had a Cosmopolitan.. and we both had LOVE POTION shots. and we gave a toast to great results and good love! haha. man, the cosmo was pretty hard to swallow.. it was nice initially but when im swallowing, it burns the throat. bleh. and to think all this while when i do online personality quizzes ill put the cosmo as my preferred drink =.= totally off la. the love potion was a lot better. appletini juz tastes lik an alchoholic version of Zappel. lol. aniwae after our drinks i was lik totally red in the face and abit giggly.. lmao. loser right. 2 drinks onli. even now im abit zonked out.. bleh. aniwae the Indochine outside Wisma has quite a nice ambience.. nice place to bring ure close pals or ure partner and juz chill out.. yeah

huixin's at MY place now! haha she's bathin =) we're having sleepover. that girl can really eat la. ate so much chips... and still so skinny. bleh. aniwae we're wearing facial masks and painting our nails later.. i wonder what time we'll sleep.. hee hee.. im wearing a strawberry & passionfruit mask now =) smells yummy. abit tingly on my face tho. recently my complexion's been horrible. =((( haiiix. mebbe cuz of stress or smth.. i had 2 driving lessons today. i was supposed to haf a theory prac too but I MISSED IT. ARGHHHHHH it's e second prac i missed alr! cuz i went too late lo.. ok next time im booking the pracs AFTER my driving lessons =.= dotz. waste $$ la. went out on the roads today.. quite a harrowing experience.. seeing all the traffic lights, big vehicles and crazy taxis.. such a different experience as compared to driving merely on the circuit.. speaking of circuit, it's damn annoying to drive behind the beginner learners lol.. those 1st lesson one.. cuz they're so frickin SLOOWWWW... lik i was, on my 1st lesson!! XD hehe... take frickin loooong to release clutch till biting point marh... but now i can do it fast alr =) cuz im more confident! but yeah.. there're more stuff to learn n master now.. lik today i practiced changing gears to 3rd gear.. to go to 30 - 35 km/h.. which is quite fast la. and changing down too.. hmm.. aniwae i had 2 lessons today right.. 2 diff instructors taught me.. the 1st one was this quite strict chinese young man.. i was quite scared of him la. and i tink i gave him quite a bad impression.. but his driving rocks la.. looks v calm, confident, and smooth =) i wanna drive liddat one day! his gear-changing is so speedy and immaculate too. my second instructor is a malay guy that ive had for 2 lessons previously.. he's pretty friendly and easy-going.. but when i make a mistake he gets quite frustrated =/ oops... aniwae yeah i feel lik im geddin better with every lesson =) so that's good... 

met up with wendy n yuenling 2night too... haha we were gossipping bout our love lives.. out of the 3 of us, yuenling's love life seems the most promising =) am happy for her! she damn funny la.. no experience at all.. den wanna be discreet, still so obvious lol. but the guy seems fine with it, so.. carry on girl! haha XD 

k lah think ill update more 2ml aft my results.. hopefully itll be a happy entry.. best of luck to everyone! k tata.

Current Location: ....
Current Mood: hopeful
Current Music: HSM OST - What I've been Looking for

hey, finally an update! haha. this one's gonna be pretty long i guess.. lots to blog abt.. let's see. i started workin at Zen Florist & Hamper Pte Ltd (i think), located at Wisdom Industrial Building in Bishan last monday.. gawd.. it's been quite a tough life haha. hmm. first of all, ive had to wake up lik really early.. and it's such a change from my sleep-in-till-noon lifestyle that i had before workin.. yeah.. so that took some time geddin used to. but i think even up till now i aint getting enuf rest =( i shld be sleeping by now.. but waitin for my hair to dry la. haha. 

k.. so i started off at the Hamper Section packing pyramid-shaped hampers.. supervised by this cute lil Hokkien-speakin old uncle.. he's nice to me but ive heard plenty of stories of how niao he can be to other ppl (even to e extent of causin em to quit) do i look too guai or smth? haha. or maybe cuz i dont even understand what he's saying. on my first day of work i met this other uncle from SGH. he's a food technician/nutritionist there. he was really nice and friendly, and helped me take ingredients n even cooperated with me on packing hampers.. we had lunch together. den e next day he ran off to FarEastFlora! haha sheesh. another guy at my workplace even commented that he'd thought that uncle was my bf! lik wtf?!! that uncle mustve been 40 at least? ewww. well not long after that i got suddenly transferred to the Basket Section to pack... baskets. (duh) ok aniwae i enjoyed it lots more there =)) was really relieeeeved when my supervisor there cld speak mandarin and even english!! haha! yay, at last i wasn't in some foreign country. hmm but most of da time i speak to her in mandarin.. she's a really nice motherly figure.. always jokin ard with us (she's even capable of making dirty jokes la! how cool is that) i can talk to her abt all my probs.. i feel really at ease ard her. and she likes me a lot! haha. she's always promoting me to the young guys there =.=" how embarrassing. she sings my praises.. and she's lik really nice to me la. and to the other 2 guys workin at my section.. Kah Joo and Fang Ee. both are younger den me. KJ looks like a gangster sorta, while FE can be damn slack and bratty sometimes.. haha. both are nice tho =) FE loves to make dumb jokes juz to hear me laugh cuz he's scared when i dont smile, he thinks i look fierce. *shakes head* both the auntie and FE refer to me as "jie jie" haha! hmm both guys smoke.. when they start lighting up, i move far far away. but they dont smoke in the packing area, thankfully. today KJ smoked there tho, becuz one of the storemen broke a wine bottle and they wanted to mask the wine smell. haha. shocking. well we really look out for each other ard here.. the boss (Eric) smokes too! and he smokes inside the packing area! when he's approaching us, his odour reaches us before he does! bleh. i always haf trouble breathing when he comes ard with his ciggies. in fact these few days ive felt my chest hurt becuz of second-hand smoke i think. today i felt sick la.. like headache, chestpain.. felt kinda faint. haiiix. its kinda funny to think that i dont haf any frens who smoke.. juz shows how diff the environment ive grown up in is from the environment that others were exposed to.. so so diff.. *muses* ohwell. aniwae, luckily ive got these peeps ard to keep my workin life interesting. it's fun to suan and hear the suaning of FE. but he's weird la. he'll collapse on the table in "depression" den he'll start actin all sulky and refuse to work. *shrugs* KJ is a lot more rational and hardworkin alr.. and he's a lot nicer once ya get to know him i guess. he was real dao at first.. but he smiles a lot more nowadays.. haha. we share knowing looks whenever FE gets into one of his drama-mama moods. they all think im lik the most hardworkin person there.. i juz keep quiet and pack my baskets, observing all the activity ard me. they're even teaching me hokkien! haha. i know only a few words now.. today i was too tired to clarify with em when they spoke hokkien tho. was real tired today.. nth is fixed in my workplace. it's like, we can be packing AW210 den the storeman wil suddenly rush in and tell us they need 10 AW208s or smth. it's quite hectic and disorganised. ppl can leave as and when they want, and e boss can lik suddenly request us to work OT till 8 pm.. siao right. and e worst thing is, we can be packin halfway and discover we've run outta one of the ingredients.. den must stone ard and wait for the ingredients to be delivered.. den FE will start complainin bout how sian he is.. haha.. den my feet will start to hurt.. i nv sit down once in the whole day lo.. except durin lunch.. haiix. that's why my thigh and calf muscles r bigger now. today i nearly pulled my sole muscle tho.. was lik flexing my foot after standing for a long time and felt the muscles seize up suddenly. scary la. oh my biceps are much bigger now too. haha. if only i cld do whole body toning while working. kill 2 birds with one stone. last week the 2 guys wanted to quit but they decided to stay after e boss gave all of us a pay raise.. so now im earning more money everyday =) it's tough work tho. seriously tough work.. bleh. i wish i cld pack faster =( sigh. i feel so slloooowww.. and the boss thinks im slooowwww and today i was so slllooooowww cuz i was so darn tired.. and FE took that chance to suan me.. haha i glared at him and he backed off. ohwell. kk enuf bout work. my parents r bugging me to quit =.= i wish they cld juz let me complete this job. it's not lik ive forgotten abt my driving lo. 

on sunday huixin and i had our last Level 1 lesson! =D den we went Queensway to buy rollerblades with our instructors =) im still v lousy at blading.. i keep screaming and crashing into walls.. i think soon enuf my chest will become washboard alr. lol. i crash into ppl too. huixin and i always crash into each other. and i keep "flapping" and making all sorts of other crazy gesticulations.. hehe. queensway is a frickin cool place to shop =D gonna shop there one day with huixin. jeans at 20 bucks onli! but im gonna get a branded pair when i finally slim down enuf to get a longterm size =D jeans are smth u shld invest in.. speaking of invest, i paid $304 for my entire set of skates n protective gear.. siao right. my mom said im wasteful. ohwell. its a good pair of skates. durable and fast. same model that my instructors r using! haha. and it's pro-lookin too. it wont look so pro when im in them tho. heh. this wed huixin asked me out to skate =) i bought one of those canvas bags that maids use to pack all their stuff when they go home. mine's a smaller size tho. yep went looking for bags today at Bukit Timah Plaza aft work to put my skates in.. wasn't successful. i bought 3 pairs of FBT shorts tho! XD white, black and silver. hooray! always dun haf my size (L) lo =.= so i bought XL instead. damn big la. hahah. oh before we entered Queensway huixin and i were tryin to guess our instructors' zodiac signs.. den we were totally off la.. we were guessing air and fire signs.. haha but in the end they turned out to be Scorp and Pisces, both of which are water signs. -.- diao. ohwell aside from one of my ex-flings, i dont know any male pisceans.. haha but i guess it's quite obvious why our instructors are so chummy.. scorp n pisces make a good match! haha. lik changx n me =)) 

hmm ok last thing to blog abt before i head off to bed.. things r geddin quite intense between my buddy and i.. we went out on another date (our second) on sat.. gosh.. things heated up huh? haha. well it was great fun at e supermarket again.. hehe.. whenever i think of it ill smile. i dno man we juz manage to have fun whereever.. it's a good thing. i realised that im lik.. the one who keeps on touching him. lik when we cross e road ill put my hand on his back. maybe cuz im a dominant person? i do that to changx too.. i dno. but his skin is damn smooth la! haha ok i feel a lil sick. if u knew what's been going through my mind, ud agree.. aniwae.. he sent me home.. and we held hands! =)) it's been such a long time since i last felt smth like that. it was lik.. a tingle that spread all the way up from my belly to my heart and back down to.. to.. there. haha. it felt really good la. and it felt good hugging him too. he hugs real tight! i wish i cldve thrown caution to the winds and juz accepted him there n then.. but i can't. this time im too afraid to juz jump into anyth. if it were any other guy i think i wldnt really care that much.. but he's my best fren and i love him too much to even risk him geddin hurt. haiiix. ive really been thinking a lot a lot.. i mean, i want to give us a fighting chance.. i dont think that we haf much of a chance if we start now. yet, i dont want him to wait for me.. it's like.. sigh. so complicated. the auntie at my workplace told me im worrying too much.. if i worry too much, there'll be lik, a self-fulfilling prophecy.. but im really really scared this time u know? im terrified. yet in my heart i know i want to get into a relationship with him. still.. my brain is telling me to chill. im quite over all that romantic idealism, the view that oh love will conquer all and we'll juz try and see how it goes blah blah becuz it's too risky.. ive been there, done that, and i dont wanna relieve those painful days.. i really want it to work out.. and personally i dont think im ready for a r/s yet.. i havnt fully recovered from my previous one.. i want to make sure this aint a rebound r/s. cuz my buddy deserves much more than that. yeah. well, this weekend we'll talk. ill prob get all sad n emotional and i hope i get a sympathy hug! haha... ohwell. 

im such a horny horny lil shit... *shakes head*

Current Mood: drained
Current Music: Justin Timberlake - Sexyback

tiring day! went out with my buddy today... haha man it sure feels nice to see him after sooo long.. he looks e same! juz shoulders abit broader, arms abit more muscular, skin abit darker.. yep. haha. his gait is still e same =) well we had bfast at KAP.. i was busy observing all the weird ppl ard.. haha.. there was this lil girl with her ever-protruding underwear.. gawd.. what an eyesore. hmm den we went grocery-shopping! was fun =) i think its lik one of the most fun activities ive done with a guy (or anyone, for that matter). it's amazing how fun grocery shopping can be XD i like to go inside supermarkets n juz walk ard, lookin at stuff.. den aft that we went toa payoh to walk summore! haha. i bought lik 3 cds! retail therapy is addictive manz. in popular i "mesmerized" him with a sexy pose or smth.. wellll actually i knew it looked sexy la. changx doesnt call me a poser for nth. LOL. yeah.. den i sat train with him to yck.. hmm.. it feels weird to say this but actually i wanted to lean on him durin e trip. haha. but i held myself back. i guess its a good thing la. as in.. even tho i do feel smth it's quite dumb to get into anyth now.. cuz itll be v hard to sustain it. i wonder if there will still be sparks yrs from now? hmm. well our parting was quite tense.. i dno.. he looked really sad. =( haiix. yeah after he left i was quite sad too. =( wasn't smiling anymore.. haha. it feels nice to be ard him. v natural. as in, he alr knows me quite well.. better than e majority of my guy frens.. and yeah lik what i was telling my bestie last night, u shld always try to get to know a guy lik really well before u decide to get into anyth.. u know i dont think i can be this natural with someone i'd crush on? there wld always be this pressure, this awkwardness that wld stifle me... haiiix. it's difficult enuf opening up to strangers.. ppl i dun really care abt. its even harder to be natural with someone im trying to impress. i guess e best partner for me wld be someone ive known for a long time.. yeah. hmm. it wld be real then. =) 

oh well feeling quite tired right now.. i din haf lunch so im freaking hungry.. shall blog more another time.

p.s. forgot to add on abt the far east flora job.. i did go down to apply (and i mustve appeared lik super shy n unsure) but there were onli lik sales and cashier positions left.. not v good.. so yeah i declined. my hopes r pinned on SBG now!! eh i dno if this is dumb but ill feel weird going back to far east flora next time.. lik to shop or smth. bleh =.=

Current Mood: embarrassed

haha juz a short update on how things have been.. woo guess what? I'M A WORKING GIRL NOW! yeah! ive finally gotten a job =) it's a hamper-packing job and itll last till 17th feb.. my workin hours are from 9 - 5.30 on weekdays and on saturdays i work from 9 - 12 in e morn.. from 7th feb onwards i gotta work OT till 8 pm on weekdays tho.. and they pay by number of hampers packed. haah. so i gotta be fast and furious!! shant disclose e salary since everyone ive told reacts with shock =.= apparently it's really low or smth? but i dont think so.. oh well. shall see how it goes =D

eh it's like 2.11 am now and i havn't bathed since my skating lesson juz now.. bleh. shall take a quick shower and be back.. dont want my face to break out or smth. 

[bathing]

alright! 3 am now and i am back =) was thinking over what to write while in the bath.. and i remembered smth which happened today.. was sitting bus to J8 and was thinking about my past.. like my sec sch days.. yeah. it struck me that i wasn't very happy back then cuz i didn't make the most of what i went through.. like, when i was in SJAB, i didn't give my best. when i was an SI in SLTC, i didn't immerse myself fully in the program. yeah, and the list goes on. when you tink about it, it isn't much use if u go into smth and u don't give ure all and try to gain as much frm it as possible right? so i've resolved to make the most outta anyth im given.. whether it be a new job.. or a new course.. or whatever. i was also wondering why all these yrs i nv really immersed myself fully in anyth.. and i realised it's becuz i lack courage. it was a big realisation for me. i didn't have the courage to come forth and speak up, to venture beyond my comfort zone. i didn't dare to step into the unknown. im an intelligent girl and ive got great ideas.. i just didn't make e most of the situations i was in. that's why im not an achiever. haha pretty sucky to realise this only now.. but hey, at least i can create a future in which i have minimal regrets.. so.. what wld the courageous me do? well.. i wld be friendly to strangers.. i wldn't shy away from voicing my opinion.. i wldn't be afraid of trying my best and seeing where it takes me. sigh. what a different rachel that wld be huh? 

this week has been quite a busy week.. on tues and thurs i went for Home Gardening courses at Spore Botanic Gardens.. was e youngest one there.. and was lik really late both times =.= sigh. it was pretty gd.. the instructor was v vocal and interacted well with all of us.. hmm.. we got to take home lik loads of plants! haha. but u noe what.. i was lik e one who took home the least plants.. the other participants (mainly e aunties) were crazy over grabbing whatever specimens they cld find.. there were lik 13 diff types of plants provided.. so u can imagine how loaded with huge plastic bags they were. haha funny la.. the lift was so crowded. hum. i spoke to the instructor and he suggested i email SBG to request for an internship.. ive done that alr =) but its been 2 days and ive heard no reply from em =((((( sigh. i actually signed up for another gardening course for next week but since im gonna be working by then, ive gotta cancel it.. after my course on tues i went walking in the gardens. wanted to visit the Ginger Garden but halfway there it started raining =.= sheesh. saw lots of angmohs there! haha. was thinking that SBG is a really beautiful place.. next time if i get attached or smth, im surely gonna walk with my partner in the gardens.. =)) so nice.

on tues i went for my basic theory courses too. it helped a LOT.. i feel so much more knowledgable now.. haha. bleh.. the sucky thing is that i booked my theory test for the 13th but ill be working then too.. argghh.. so ive either gotta rebook it or try to come to a compromise with my boss or smth.. bleh. all the available test dates are like so much later!!!! like 2 weeks?! gargghh. i wanna finish up my driving quickly.. sigh. /_\ 

skating rocks! im much more comfortable on skates now.. juz now durin e lesson i kept rolling outta control and crashing into my instructor, literally molesting him.. haha. he's so nice to let me manhandle him. heh. oh well. what's e point of a cute guy if u can't get ure hands on him right? =P since huixin and i can't make it in time for our friday sessions.. we've changed our slot to sunday morn! yay! no more coming for an hour late on fridays!! =D 

mannn i think im lik addicted to retail therapy.. did i mention that i spent 90 bucks on cosmetics e other day? tee hee. must stop buying stuff! ><" Junction 8 is a fab place to shop! so many stores and so many SALES going on! haha! lurvin' it ;)

why is it that i can't take my own advice? =.= ive often realised in hindsight that if only i'd taken my own advice, i wldn't be in this shithole right now (whatever shithole it may be). so dumb right. dno lah. i guess maybe common sense only applies to when im viewin other ppl's probs. gahhh

on wed i went shoppin with huixin.. we went to vivo! haha. huge place.. we went to GAP and i tried on jeans! for lik e first time in yrs or smth! hmm apparently im like a UK size 10.. shall endeavor to become a size 8! cuz i dont want my hips to be so much bigger than my waist.. -.- gawd.. i may not look v fat when im standing but the moment i sit down.. horror of horrors manz.. oh come to think of it, its prob becuz all these yrs ive spent so much time sittin in front of the comp. damn. that must be it. -.- grrrr. ive not been working out for days alr =(((( sigh.. shall try to get back into the program..

my 2 major goals for now are 1) get back my straight teeth, and 2) get in shape. they're quite simple goals.. i only have to work out regularly and wear my retainers 24/7. ahaha. sounds so easy right. haiiiix. actually i quite like working out. i like to wake up feelin e aches.. but somehow my timing always screws up.. gotta figure out what works la.. bleh

hmm i wonder if im too explicit in my entries sometimes.. worry that when certain ppl read it, they'll get hurt. but i guess that's e disadvantage of letting ppl know ure blog url? or having a public blog.. yea. well my thoughts n feelings do change often.. doesnt mean i feel that way once means ill feel that way forever. in fact, it's e direct opposite. im a v dynamic person.. remember that my ex disliked that abt me. made her feel insecure. oh well.. i dont mean any harm to anyone.. sometimes i juz feel too strongly till i haf to blog and then ill misphrase smth when actually i dont mean it that way and BOOM! someone gets hurt -.- haiiix. not my intention kz? read my words with an open mind and with a pinch of salt. i may be good in eng but i haf e prob of sayin things e wrong way.. gahh.. ok lah enuf of this. time to get to sleep. my panda eyes r worse than ever right now.

p.s. gotta study chem 2ml since im tutoring my netsis on sunday.. wheets <- (new method of expression. it's like a sian version of whoa/whee. actually i dno what it means either. juz feelin lik that. lol)

Current Mood: sian

am letting my hair dry now.. man today i was so tired, and was tellin myself i shld sleep early 2nite.. and guess what. haha. im still up at this time. oh well...

went to Changi Airport today to visit my bestie.. she's working as a promoter at the Departure Hall.. sigh. the journey there is so fricking long.. arghhh.. and i stood alll the way la. ouchie. met her and her new fren/colleague Garen.. gawd.. what an obnoxious guy.. he's one of the most irritating Leo guys ive met thus far. why do Leo guys suck so much? geez. aniwae.. wanted to eat at Fish&Co but she dragged me along to the staff canteen cuz she cldnt abandon her fren -.- well personally i didn't think it was worth giving up my Fish&Co for that idiot who lik din even bother to hold the door open for us? he went before us and threw open the door lik he had some prob, den let it bang back in our faces.. what an ass.. and before that, when i juz met up with my bestie, she intro-ed him to me and he was lik "oh yeah, hi" den turned away. wtf?! so she din get a chance to tell him my name.. well doesnt matter cuz he din seem lik he was interested in knowing aniwae. den later at the canteen, i wasn't talking at all cuz i was starvin and concentrating on my food. den he finally realised he din know my name. so he asked, and he was SO surprised when i knew HIS name.. he put the blame on my fren for not telling him when he din even seem lik he wanted to know in the first place?! $*#$(@*#@($ after a little bit of smaller-than-microscopic talk abt me searchin for a plant nursery job, he asked me if i liked plants. and i said yes. den guess what he said, "ure as active as a plant" or some other rude shit. i mean.. hellloooo.. don't put the blame on me for not wanting to talk to u, ure lik so @#$(($@ obnoxious?! who wld wanna talk to u! geez.. what a bunghole...what absolute slime on the face of the earth. 

well i only managed to spend an hour with my bestie.. cuz after that she returned to work. so i pottered ard Changi Airport on my own. made my way to the Viewing Mall which is this space facing huge glass windows where u can see planes taking off. only the hangar was visible from the viewing mall tho.. cldnt see the runway at all.. so sad. haiiix. it's not much fun seeing planes when they're alr in the air.. i wanna see them at the point of takeoff! it's quite fascinating seein all the airport personnel in their lil carts riding all over the hangars and preparing the planes for departure tho. i think a job like that wld be quite fulfilling.. wonder what prerequisites are there for such jobs? hmm. the highlight tho was of course seeing the planes take off.. i was quite in awe of the sight. i mean.. it's so mind-blowing to think that such a huge vehicle, which must weigh several hundred tons, can fly! sorta hits home how amazing Science and Tech are.. like the wonders that have been and can be achieved... simply amazing. sigh. i tried to find the viewing mall that faces the runway but i guess there's only one viewing mall in the airport.. disappointing. haha while watching the planes i was thinking abt some things.. i dno why but its really a conducive environment in which to think.. there were quite a few students studying there too, even tho a sign said 'No Studying". =.= 

i realise that i nv get to do the stuff that ive planned to accomplish on a particular day.. saddening. i guess i dont feel focussed at all. hmm. i must really decide what my priorities are, and what are my goals for this holiday.. like one of my foremost priorities is my driving.. today i brought ard my Basic Theory handbook. man, i can't make head or tail of all those funny road signs and lines.. gargghh.. it's not so simple to me lo.. =( sucks. i didn't feel v well today too.. felt all weak and feverish on my way home from Changi.. was sneezing and having major headaches. gahhh. hope i aint fallin sick. well 2ml (today, actually) is quite a busy day for me. i'll be having Part 1 of my Home Gardening Course in the morning.. till 1 pm.. den im finally going for my basic theory lessons at night. from 1 pm till then, i actually wanted to go swimming.. but i think i wont haf e energy to, since im sleepin quite late 2nite =( maybe shld go down to far east flora and apply for a job.. i mean, ive got to do it sooner or later right? 

been thinking a lot abt my love life, and ive come to the (permanent or temp?) conclusion that my buddy and i shldnt get together. i dont think im the girl for him. as in.. if i was asked to choose a partner for him, i definitely wldnt choose myself. haha. and i think its best for both of us that we remain best friends.. so we can help each other.. i don't want to lose him as a friend, really. even tho now i might think too much, dream too much, and over-fantasize, but at the end of the day i know it's not my time yet. so, thank goodness for the 2 yrs. hopefully by then.. all this uncertainty wldve blown over and we'd be better off for it. sometimes, i just want to be held. but i guess before i go looking for ppl to hold me, ive to learn to appreciate the space ard me. only when im happy even w/o being held.. can i then declare myself single and AVAILABLE.

Current Mood: down
Current Music: Utada Hikaru - Flavour of Life

haha this is gonna be really random but ive been feeling like updatin my journal for the past few days and havn't realli gotten down to it as yet.. hmm shall juz do a quick update then, since ive started typing here aniwae

went joggin with changx yesterday =) i cld feel long-buried muscles emerging lol.. and man, i actually had thigh muscles e next day! got a really really bad butt cramp after e jog tho.. well to be more specific, after sitting improperly while gorging on a coconut with changx. haha. my left leg was all numb after that, den the cramps came.. tsk tsk. it was really horrible, lik someone was wringing out my butt muscle lik a wet cloth. bleh. it spread to the thigh.. i cld barely walk la. aniwae, i was thinkin of creatin a blog specially for my weight-loss journey.. hehe.. but i havnt gotten down to it yet =/ lots of new options have surfaced recently.. i bought a skipping rope recently. havnt realli used it yet tho. changx recommends doing a few sets of 100 skips per day. and i was lik wtf?! i was thinking of more like 30 skips.. lol.. oookay.. i guess im really a beginner huh. since my period's ending, i can go swimming again! =D thinking of lik swimming one day, running the next, and maybe doin stationary exercises the day after.. lik alternately.. i guess running aint as bad as i tot =) 

hmm i recently spoke to my cousin regardin e clinic assistant job offer but right now i feel more attracted to the thought of workin in a plant nursery.. so im gonna heed my frens' advice and call up all the nurseries to enquire abt jobs! haha. im actually quite apprehensive at the thought, but my fren Yooks told me ive gotta be more thick-skinned. ohwell.. i guess she's right. if i manage to get e job at the nursery, i'd like to supplement it with working part-time at e clinic =D yay for $$$! haha. i dno if this is a dumb idea tho.. cuz ive yet to do lots of stuff.. like finish my driving, lose the weight, and lik finish e courses im takin n gonna take? sigh. =( 

hmm shant say much abt the whole confusing issue with my best buddy but my mind has cleared up these few days and i wont let e insane part of me take over, for e sake of my future =) so yeah.. no jumping! only walking when im ready ^^ .. slowly

kk gonna go cycling with changx later so i guess i shld sleep now..  

Current Mood: cheerful
Current Music: Marion Raven - End of Me

hmm.. what can i say manz. so mani things have been happening lately.. lol.. (that seems to be how i start most of my entries =.=") ok aniwae.. well.. we had class chalet last weekend =) it was great! except for the fact that i cldnt sleep well.. cuz i wanted to avoid snoring.. but in the end the world still heard me snore =( bleh. even after all my efforts to regulate my breathing.. hehe.. so u can imagine how damn happy i was to sleep in my own bed aft the chalet ended! whoa! so sweet manz.. to be able to snore to my heart's content! and dun give a heck! XD hee. hmm what i rem most abt the chalet was e booze.. lol.. all the alchohol.. it was crazy.. Barcadi SUCKS! argh! hate that stuff. i got the most tipsy yet, tho i din get lik really drunk.. alchohol juz aint my thang.. was kinda sick to see josh and jenwei chugging down the stuff lik it wld grow hair on their chests. -.-" bleh. we had drinking games.. and josh mixed up weird drinks. it was cool =) but i dno what's with teens and alchohol.. maybe im juz lagging again? but seriously, what's so great abt the ol' hydroxy compounds? still.. my alchohol tolerance is lik REALLY low and i must be careful in e future if drinking with strangers.. 

i must say this chalet was really enjoyable (even tho my flipflops got stolen) and it's all thanks to the hard work of weiren n jenwei! (and eugenia and joyce) yep so a big THANK YOU to you ppl! hooray! XD

oookay now we get down to the serious stuff.. hmm. man, it's been lik totally raining the past few days -.- SUCKS. my rollerblading lesson got cancelled today la! wtf! i'd been lik lookin forward to it all week! man.. i gotta stop lettin the rain ruin my exercise plans.. like we din get to play ball with the guys n cycle in the earlier part of the week due to the rain.. horrible weather.. it juz promotes couch-potato behavior manz. i'm gd enuf at stoning/rotting/slackin as it is. i dun need added assistance frm the rain =.= 

k.. so i've been thinkin abt what i wanna accomplish before sch starts =) and i think sch will start really soon.. like end of june is alr uni orientation? sigh.. oh and i received word that e 'A' lvl results are prob not gonna come out earlier la.. contrary to what the rumours bein spread haf been sayin.. i brought it up to Ms Phua and she dismissed it as a mere rumour, since if the results were indeed gonna come out earlier, e schs wld haf been notified so as to give em time to prepare their computer systems. makes sense.. oh well.. good and bad i guess. =( good in the sense that doom is postponed (lol) and bad in the sense that doom is postponed (double lol). k i aint makin sense. but i guess u get what im sayin. hahaa. 

shall work out a proper plan regarding what i wanna achieve! hmm as it is ive alr started searchin for a job.. the prob is that there's lots of stuff to do before i go workin full-time.. and i havnt completed those stuff.. sigh.. yet, im really hungry for money now =( there's not mani jobs that will let me have time to myself tho.. blehz... shall juz haf to rush to complete those stuff lo. easier said den done huh. *shrugs* can't see any other way. rachel, stop procrastinating! arghhh! ><" 

there're other factors to consider when getting a job too.. like, once i get a job, i wont haf time for going out with my frens and all.. im really worried that i cant meet up with em anymore =( and if that slot's lik e onli time they haf to meet up.. den my social life is practically over. bleh. gahhhh!

oh. and driving. =.= driving's a big prob. 

so is overseas holiday. in may. to UK i think. =.=

and.... all the courses i wanna take.. horticulture.. jewellery-making.. and how will my skating be affected? =(((( 

damn. oh well. k onto other things.. recently this big big thing happened in my life.. haha ive been sayin that my lovelife is lik stone-dead right.. but erm recently there's been a spark -.-" my best buddy (who's a guy) said he's in love with me. lik... i dno what to say man. it's shocking. it's troubling, yet exciting at the same time. sigh. i feel sad. i really miss the simple times when we were juz great buddies.. we cld lik tell each other anything.. and bitch till e sun came up.. i mean, when u involve romance and r/s things juz get really complicated u know? im not saying it's definitely outta the picture.. but i juz feel sad. actually there's been times that ive thought abt him as more den a friend but those times nv really lasted for v long.. i guess it's cuz i got uncomfortable and decided to cut it out. i mean.. he's right to say that he's not exactly my type.. that too. but after he went into army i started feeling like.. really twisted inside. i miss him a lot. i can't believe i wont get to sms him as and when i like for 2 bloody yrs? and all the guys in our class.. ill really miss the fun they brought with em. its painful. makes u realise that adulthood is finally here and there's no escaping. haha. when the men leave, that's when a girl becomes a woman? how poignant. i dno la. i got quite freaked out at his confessions at first, but i have to admit it made me feel really good inside. i guess im a sucker for sweet words n compliments. and even tho i knew that he had smth going on at his side for some time now, it still came as a shock.. i mean, there are different levels of feelings for a person, and i guess i din realise how deep his feelings were. and i dno if it was a freak coincidence or what.. but the stuff the newspaper horoscope said 2day was lik.. totally scaring me. lol. it said smth lik there're changes happening now and i shld embrace them with all my heart or dno what. yeah, horoscopes are trash but still there's smth in them tht makes ppl still read em.. and that's e possibility that they'll tell ppl what ppl wanna see. ok.. i think im getting more and more convoluted as i write here so shall stop now. no one knows how the future turns out.. and whether i really do get together with him, or the turbulence dies down and we become good buddies again =) , i can't tell. shall juz haf to see what happens.. 

p.s. oh and as a follow-up on the previous entry.. my spendin on earrings has really gone overboard.. i compiled a record of my expenditures on jewellery, shoes and other misc stuff and it has lik gone over 600 bucks?! lik wtf?!?!?! damn i need a job. ><

Current Mood: listless

omg.. i just went crazy online and purchased like tons and tons of earrings from different local sites.. my mum is gonna flip ><" oops. well not exactly purchased la, juz emailed orders to the respective designers.. lol.. it's 5 am alr and i don't feel tired at all.. well maybe cuz i woke up past 3 today? LOL. dammit. i'd better get a good job next yr to pay back all these extravagant expenses.. AND to fund even more extravagant spending! got tons on my wishlist.. clothes and shoes mostly. im mad. now i realise why my sis spent so much on shopping in her younger days.. i think it's a teen thing. but i spend on accessories so it's not that bad i guess.. i hardly buy bags (cuz the perfect one hasn't come along) but i think that may change after i pay a visit to Carlo Rino. lol. and i'm hungering for a plain pair of pointy pumps in either nude or white.. and plenty of flats! gonna use lots of flatties in Uni (assuming i can get in, of course -.-). hmm. as for clothes i have plenty on the wishlist too.. a pair of Levi's darkwash Jeans (that will have to wait till after i slim down haha), cargo pants (ditto), and other pairs of pants.. like denim and cloth capris, black jeans, white casual pants (in denim or linen is fine), polo tees, casual t-shirts, belts (im kinda crazy over belts right now), and oh, SHORTS. arghh.. shorts.. my biggest headache.. lol cuz my butt is SO BIG. gawd. *ponders* well i guess that's pretty much it. but it's a super-long wishlist.. and that's only for clothing.. hahaha. man.. and i used to think i wasn't materialistic.. i guess that was back then. hmm. oh sigh. now im feeling all guilty over becoming materialistic. -.- dotz. ok shall go sleep now.. have stayed up long enuf doing online shoppin.. but seriously, it's amazing the quality and variety in design of the earrings u can find online.. amazing.. i was lik starin hungrily on the screen at those gorgeous earrings.. and crying out in dismay when they're matched by a SOLD tag or smth lik that (damn, the most beautiful ones often are ><). or when the site only accepts bank transfer payment.. lol that's when i email the owner to ask if i can pay by cash! madness. kk sleepy time. zzz

Current Mood: excited

hmm.. what can i say, so much has been happening lately.. i've avoided coming online to blog becuz of the recent taiwan earthquake and the internet connection obstruction it caused.. scared the net will be all slow and laggy and i'll get even more frustrated. hmm. haha am really distracted during this entry cuz im busy surfing for earrings on local sites XD seriously addicted to earrings manz.. but one thought struck me.. i guess as i grow older ill eventually outgrow these earrings right.. i mean, i'll start looking for stuff from reputable brands.. whoa been surfing so long i din realise it's 2 am alr. oops. 

sigh. these few days have been total shit. and it all started with my ex msging me during dinner. since now i know she visits this blog (wtf?!!!) , i'm now having reservations about being explicit in my entries. but she said she's not gonna visit it again... so i'm hoping she really honours her word.. frm what i remember, promises are impt to her. altho she din exactly make a promise, but to me it was as good as one.. so yeah. still, i can't help but feel weird. grr. ok i guess feeling weird aint as bad as feeling shitty.. and i have been feeling so damn shitty since that night. i mean, when she msged i even off-ed the tv so i cld give her my utmost attention, since she was feeling upset. i don't do that for everyone lo. it was one of my fav shows summore! ahHhh! come to think of it.. well im not sure why i did that anyway. i guess.. it was due to my experience from our r/s? like.. it was smth i learned to do. and i just felt compelled to do it. but it's funny since.. i don't even count her as a good fren.. ok well that's the least of my probs. i remember being on a total emotional rollercoaster during that convo.. tis was via sms. apparently she was feeling down and thought of me, for dno what reason, and decided to sms me. and told me bout celia bothering her again. didnt she know celia was a sore spot with me? =.= i mean, i hated that girl back then, and now i won't really care if she lives or dies. ok, so i realised that X has been in contact with that celia girl frm then till now. and when X told me that celia said she din wanna be with her.. i was like.. wtf.. that sounds so.. gay.. ok im not being very coherent. let me be clearer. X and i broke up becuz, among a host of other reasons, X cldn't accept that she was with a girl (me). so subconsciously (and judging frm my previous entries, which were embarrassingly explicit), i assumed that X had turned, or was turning straight. i mean, X told me she was straight other than when she was with me. that doesnt make sense huh. i mean i know some people think sexuality is fluid.. but it cant be THAT fluid. like u turn gay or straight dpding on who're ure with? i took what she said as a compliment tho.. how dumb right. ok den now my whole world has been turned upside down n topsy-turvy, becuz of a discovery i made during that convo on tues, or wassit wed night. whatever. so it has been established that all along i tot she's straight. so during the convo, when she mentioned what celia said, i was like *smth stirring at the back of my mind*. straight girls don't ask other girls if they wanna be with them right? even if they aren't receptive to the idea of ever being with that girl? i mean, it juz didn't make sense if X was straight. so that was e first of my suspicions. den she admitted to having located and read my blog. i was livid. i was shocked. i was WTF-ing all over the place. i immediately wanted to change blog. i mean, how dare she?! grrrr. and to think i leave her blog alone. ok i admit it's cuz i don't even wanna read her blog, cuz itll prob totally destroy my mental calm, but i hate the thought of her knowing what's been going through my mind. i hate the thought of her havin an edge over me.. and trust me, reading my blog gives the reader a total edge. cuz im so damn explicit. grrrr. and i was so frickin' pissed off by the thought that my blog is so $(*#(@# easy to find?!?!!? what a burn on my ego man. GAH! i took some time to cool down.. but it wasn't long before i felt lik erupting again. cuz she started sounding lik really weird in her smses and much too happy n chirpy (so fake) and sounding really GAY. like REALLY GAY. she said she thought this particular jap male couple was sweet. oookaayy.. i mean, even i don't think gay couples look particularly sweet.. and i'm definitely not straight. then even worse, she said she watches The L Word. ok that was like ringing alarm bells all over the place?!?!! no straight girl in singapore watches The L Word? cuz it's too remote for any person w/o an interest in homosexuality to find. as in.. u really have to go digging to find the sites n all.. even to know the existence of it. it's a US show i think. AND SHE WATCHED IT EARLIER THAN ME. that was total gay-alert going there!!!! so i was seriously seriously freakedddd out. so i had to ask. and she admitted she WASN'T STRAIGHT. and i nearly EXPLODED. i mean.. i was seriously seriously enraged. and i don't even know why. i dno why i was so upset. im still upset. extremely. beyond a doubt. even typing this now makes my blood pressure rise. sigh. sucks la. she said she's only accepted it recently or smth (im not v clear cuz my mind was in too much turmoil to process her msges properly). sigh. ok so i was at a loss of what to say becuz smth had snapped in my head (or heart, i wldn't know cuz i felt like on the brink of a total meltdown) and part of me juz wanted to scream profanities and tell her not to msg me again yet the other parts were juz trying desperately to calm myself down. sigh. k.. so in the end i sent a rather nice reply. i guess i sounded really cool abt it.. even tho i was actually dying. whoo my face is all red now and my ears are hot. my chest feels tight too. and she said i was e only person so far to say good for her. it was only later that it struck me that i was the only person.. so SHE HAD TOLD PEOPLE?!!?! and back then she was trying so hard to keep up her straight image! OMFG. i was so so so so pissed. and i felt sick contemplating whether she had ever wanted to get together with celia. i felt seriously sick to my stomach. i feel sick thinking about her oogling girls like i oogle girls. i feel sick thinking abt her thinkin the same kinda les thoughts as i do. i don't even know if she's bi or full-out les.. i think i wld juz die if she's full-out les. i can't believe she's even gayer than i am. that is just sick u know? i feel so sick, like im being corroded from the inside.. i feel so.. fucking... sick.... 

ok im trying to regulate my breathing now cuz i think im in danger of a heart attack. these few days after the convo, i keep on thinking abt what she said and thinking abt her and thinkin bout how it used to be. huixin thinks it's perfectly alright cuz well it's juz that X only accepted her preference now. but i can't accept it. even tho i did tell her i wld give her my blessing to be with a girl if she wanted. i mean.. i really do give her my blessings cuz it's unfair to restrict her with a promise made in the past.. but i cannot bring myself to accept the mental images. becuz of what transpired in the past. becuz of what we went through, the pressure of havin to keep it a secret.. sigh. i can't believe it's making me cry. i can't believe i can be torn apart juz becuz of a lil convo. i guess my assumption that im over her was just that: an assumption. afterall, it's still 3 more months to the estimated 10 month-long period that im supposed to take to recover.. we spent 20 months together so in theory u take half e time to recover. crapz. but i guess since she's so happy n cheery and so willing to talk rubbish with me, she's almost over or prob fully over me. doesn't matter anyway. we're leading separate lives now. if her intention was to topple my facade of yep-everything-is-going-swimmingly-now-that-im-so-over-you then she's surely succeeded. cuz im juz a jumble of nerves now. and ive been wanting people to talk to. i tried talking to chuanchen but man, bitching to him was a total waste of time.. he cldnt even get what i was talkin abt. i even tried spinning a story but i guess that made it even more confusing. before that, i bitched to my bestie huixin, as mentioned earlier. i was shouting and screaming on the phone, and she thought it was really hilarious.. i mean yeah it seemed funny before the sky came crashing down after i hung up. i tried talkin to wanwei.. but it was really short cuz she was bitching to me abt her probs in the first place.. and she didn't understand either. i tried talkin to nab but she's nv been in a r/s so her understanding is limited.. sucks huh. plus nab is straight. i mean.. straight ppl juz don't understand.. im searching left and right and i feel so trapped, without anyone to talk to. i feel like talking to J but it'd be quite mean right.. since she still has abit of feelings left for me. i mean, i can't juz go pouring out my heart to her abt my ex. that wld just be really torturous for her.. can't believe i don't know any other non-straight ppl. small world small world. tried talkin to jared but his internet died.. and he'd prob talk some lame shit.. i feel lik some mouse with high blood pressure, starving, trapped in a maze. runnin ard desperately.. with the end nowhere in sight. this just suckkkkkkkssssssssss arghhhhhhhhh!!!!!! it hurts. it hurts big time.. and the worst thing is i dno why.. sigh..

i was bitching to myself in my head throughout the whole night.. even while bathing.. i wanted so badly to go to Far East Plaza and go on a crazy earring shopping-spree.. but it was lik 2 am or smth? so.. i settled for surfing earring sites online instead.. surf surf surf.. till i whetted my appetite.. and i was helping my mei with her hw anyway.. man, i slept at 4 am that night? and had to wake up at 10 the next morning (wed) to go meet my mei to give her the stuff she wanted me to help her print. gawd i felt lik shit that morning too. the shit that got stampeded on by a herd of cattle.superflat cow manure.. limp and lifeless, with a raging headache. haiiiix. and it was that morning that the internet crisis got island-wide.. hahaha. i went to boonlay MRT station (our meeting place) early.. imagine that.. so i spent the time shopping for earrings! but after that.. my mei still hadn't arrived.. in the end i waited for 1-hour plus.. gawd.. imagine some super pissed-looking girl pacing aimlessly ard Boonlay MRT.. dressed in my black polo tee and red FBTs.. hahaha. ok im delirious. aniwae, i was checkin out the ppl there for fashion tips.. interesting people. but by far the most interesting was this hot NYGH girl. my pupils totally dilated la. i tried not to look too obvious while checkin her out (i was leaning against the pillar, lookin at the stream of ppl enterin frm the bus interchange) and when she passed by me i even swung ard the pillar so i cld continue oogling. lmao. guess what was going on in my head? "hey hot babe! WHOAAARR!" LOL?!! i was lik grinning madly to myself after that.. so funny.. i was imagining how much nab wld be laughing if i told her that.. and she did laugh lik hell when i told her that that night. lmao. the nygh girl was wearin PE tee and skirt.. normal NY garb. the stuff that i used to see my ex in. hmm. she had long hair but a really.. hot.. aura abt her. and she looked away when i was starin at her.. maybe i was too obvious. hmm. ohwell. that was fun. *shrugs*

so in the end my mei showed up.. with scratched specs cuz she had fallen flat on her face in the mud while on her way. tsk.. she's the sec3 girl i was talkin abt in my previous previous entry.. yeah so i handed her the documents.. den she asked if i was free that day and i was lik, yeah i guess (even tho i'd planned to go home, crash, and tidy up my rm after i'd woken up). so she asked me to teach her chem =.= haha in the end i spent lik 3 hours plus teachin her chem at the Tiong Bahru plaza Burger King. she takes combined sciences so her work is much easier.. i was skimmin through her workbook and it was lik.. chickenfeed.. but damn it was tough explaining things to her la. cuz she can't understand even the simple stuff.. and her eng kinda sucks.. sigh.. she says i use cheem words. i don't think so lo. =.= man, Mole Concept was a nightmare. i think im an awful tutor cuz im too impatient (hey, the qns were seriously too easy!?!?!?! yeah cuz im a JC student. oh wait, make that 'A'-lvl GRADUATE) gahhh. i feel bad la.  i dun think she really understood.. =((((( u noe ppl may think teachin is challenging.. i think the real challenge is bein able to explain simple concepts to students who can't even grasp the simple concepts.. they're alr so simple and the students alr haf prob grasping them.. how the hell do you explain? sighh. k.. the next time i teach her i mustn't be too mean and too impatient.. but i guess it was also partly due to the fact that we were both lackin sleep and her brain was bein fried by simple Mole Concept.. and what little brainjuice i had left was quickly bein used up.. haha.. chem fries ure brain manz.. 

oh aniwae.. i bought a new wallet at TBP! this nice white leather wallet with a red stripe. chic. =) i wonder what to do with my other green reptile-print wallet i bought.. i don't wanna use that cuz it doesn't haf a coin compartment. irritating. shld i give it away? hmm. 

i don't know why that simple convo shook me up so much. you said you missed me but i was in no mood to reciprocate. now i miss you. and i dno why. i dno why everything's flooding back. the stuff i used to feel when we were together and when we'd juz broken up. u noe i worked hard to bury all that with the silence that ensued.. but it's all been torn apart again. i guess i've juz gotta work to rebuild my composure.. well, one day i've gotta accept that ure not straight. i guess it's juz one of those stupid things that happen in life and it aint anybody's fault. ive yet to fully accept that tho. sometimes i still look back and beat myself up over certain things.. all the "if only"s.. but things turned out this way for a reason and ure really better off bein single.. or w/o me.. either way's good. be happy k? i know ull prob haf more success with that than i will. i may bitch over you bein happy w/o me and all, but hey, it's good that at least one of us has recovered. take care. i'll try to stop missing you.

Current Mood: inundated by sad crappy thots